What does attachment disorder look like in young adults?
Here’s what it looks like in our family: My son’s birthday is in a few days, and I don’t want to celebrate it with him.
What Happens When Kids with Attachment Issues Grow Up?
Our 19-year-old son came into our home when he was just five months old, yet he already had experienced trauma beyond what many of us will live through in our lifetime. He might not remember the trauma, but his body does.
He’s a warrior, a fighter, and a survivor. He’s also self-absorbed, has disorganized attachment, and is only somewhat functional adult as an adult.
He’s spent the last couple of years couch-surfing with various friends, drifting from place to place, and trying to find himself. He drinks alcohol, smokes cigarettes, vapes, and uses marijuana. I’m sure he engages in many other behaviors I don’t want to know about.
My husband and I are worn out after a lifetime of supporting and encouraging him. We’ve spent countless hours and dollars getting him into every program, doctor, and specialist. We have also done every in-home and out-of-home treatment we could find.
Our marriage, his siblings, and our mental health barely survived our son’s growing up years.
Our communication with him is tenuous at best. He drifts in and out of our lives, living on the fringe of a relationship. Sometimes, he calls or texts often (usually when he wants something). Other times, we don’t hear from him for weeks.
There are days I miss him profoundly and grieve what could be.
Other days, I’m just done. I’m over it, and I’ve been over it for years.
Signs of Attachment Disorder in Adults
Adults who were not treated for RAD (or the treatment isn’t successful) as children are most commonly diagnosed with:
- Narcissistic personality disorder
- Borderline personality disorder
- Antisocial personality disorder
Some warning signs of adult attachment disorder may include:
- Detachment
- Impulsivity
- Withdrawing from connection
- Sense of distrust
- Lack of belonging
All I know is that we live in the constant push-pull of Do you love me? Please love me! and Get away from me. I don’t need you.
Paying Child Support
The latest saga (because with this child, there’s always a saga) is that we may be facing child support payments – again.
When he was in residential treatment, the state took us to court for child support and garnished our wages for the payments. Legally, this isn’t supposed to happen for adopted children who receive a subsidy, but it happened.
In the state where we live, a new law was passed, raising the age to 21 (instead of 18), when parents are responsible for their children. Our son is seeking services for the homeless, which means the Department of Human Services (DHS) could take us to court for child support payments.
This isn’t about neglecting our parental responsibility. The day we adopted him, he became our son in every way. This is about the ridiculousness of a system that wants to punish me for a child who refuses to live in a home that includes a few basic rules to keep everyone safe.
Our son has a place to stay in our home, which he refuses. He doesn’t want to follow the rules and stay sober. So, we are considering hiring an attorney to defend our case.
Gifts That Aren’t Taken Away
Years ago, my husband and I decided that certain gifts and celebrations belong to our children because they are part of our family. No matter the behavior, we offer them these moments of family connection.
These belong to our children, no matter what:
- Our love for you will never change.
- You are part of our family.
- You get birthday and Christmas gifts, and we will celebrate with you.
There were years when our son did not spend Christmas in our home. We brought Christmas or birthdays to him. We celebrated in the waiting room of mental health wings at hospitals and visitation rooms at residential treatment centers.
When Birthdays & Holidays Hurt
His birthday is in a few days, and we’ve planned a small celebration here at our house.
- Yes, we will drive an hour to pick you up at the hotel you temporarily live in since you have no transportation. No, you cannot sleep here overnight because you refuse to follow the basic rules of this house.
- Yes, we will order take-out from the restaurant that serves your favorite macaroni and cheese. No, we will not cater to your every request while you are here.
- Yes, we will buy you the jeans and tank tops on our birthday list. No, we will not buy the ski masks or the $300 pair of Nike tennis shoes you requested.
Decisions & Boundaries with Adult Kids
Are we making the right decisions? I have no idea. Are we setting appropriate boundaries? Perhaps…perhaps not.
There’s no roadmap for this type of parenting. It hurts when we do, and it hurts when we don’t.
And I don’t feel like celebrating.
Helpful Resources for Kids with Trauma and Birthdays
Don’t Shower My Kids with RAD with Gifts – Great article from Trauma Mama.
Kids with Trauma and Special Needs – Nancy Thomas always knows the best way to explain the different needs of kids with trauma.
What Does RAD Turn Into? – What happens to children with RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) when they become adults?
Click here for a free PDF printable checklist of the 7 steps to take when your child needs residential treatment.
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