Surviving a Son’s Rage: When Children are Violent and Aggressive

“I can be his Mom, but I can’t be his victim,” is my new chant to myself. I have a son who I love deeply, yet I believe he could eventually kill me.

If you are parenting a child who is violent toward you, you may feel like you continually walk a tightrope.

This is my lived experience of loving an aggressive son. My goal is to love him yet keep him from killing me.

Breaking the Silence

If you have a violent child, you may feel isolated and alone, but you are not the only one, as this article from Psychology Today illustrates.

I am sharing my story so others know they are not the only ones experiencing this incredibly difficult type of parenting.

Sharing my parenting missteps and negative outcomes requires vulnerability and reflection. By writing this, I hope this helps you with your parenting journey.

Longing for a Family

When I was a teenager, I was adopted by a family with biological children. Having that experience deeply impacted me. I knew I wanted to be a resource for children whose families could not care for them.

If you know anything about foster care kiddos, you know teenagers are the most difficult to place. Teens crave the love of a family as much, if not more than the younger children in out of home placements. I remember the feeling of longing for a family with unconditional love.

For me, caring for my children has always been deeply personal.

I can’t remember a time when I didn’t want to be a foster parent. I understood wanting to be part of a family that loved and protected me.

I remember my desire to be cared for and hoping my parents would notice when I wasn’t okay. I recall wishing for parents who cared about me more than their problems.

I remember wanting to be seen. I recall the fear of being too damaged to deserve good things.

Holding Space Means Giving My Children Safety and Love

I have a high level of empathy for my children.

From my painful past, I have a bone-deep understanding of their need for love and acceptance. I constantly balance that empathy with health boundaries.

I am strong enough to be the Mom for children with significant attachment injuries.

I am capable of unconditional love and patience. I hold space for their feelings while committing to my safety and the safety of the other children in my home.

Coping with an Aggressive Child Without Living in Fear

I have several terms I use with providers to convey the importance of safety in my home.

Some of the terms I use that have been helpful include:

• Physical safety
• Emotional safety
• Safety Planning
• Line of sight supervision
• Risk of harm reduction

For example, I may say something like:

“I understand why home visits are an important part of treatment. I want nothing more than to be able to have my child at home AND I am responsible for the physical and emotional safety of EVERY child in my home.”

Kay Catherine, Parent Strong

I may also say,

“It is difficult to do visits when I am the only parent home. We have multiple children in the home and my child requiring line of sight supervision. That is possible to maintain for a few hours but not possible with only one adult at home overnight.”

Kay Catherine, Parent Strong

I have also been known to say,

“It is my parent job to provide a physically and emotionally safe home for all of us. I need your help forming a safety plan to ensure safety for everyone.”

Kay Katherine, Parent Strong

I have also said,

“I know it is important for my child to feel like I trust them. It is also important for the adults to reduce the risk of unsafe behaviors by providing physical boundaries along with emotional boundaries.”

Kay Katherine, Parent Strong

While the mom in me wants to be defensive when people imply I am an unloving parent to my child, the rational person in me understands that I am responsible for the safety of all the children in my home. I cannot ignore the importance of physical and emotional safety.

While a provider may be focused on the needs of one child, I have to focus on the needs of all the children in my care.

Supporting Mothers of Aggressive Children

If you want to support a mother of an aggressive child, my first recommendation is to believe them.

In my opinion, we have come a long way in believing victims of violence. We don’t want to think that this victimization can occur in our homes. We especially don’t want to think that children can be perpetrators.

I have experienced judgment and unsolicited advice when sharing small portions of my story. Some believe the violence of my child is evidence of poor parenting skills. Others believe that I should surrender my child to children’s services.

Professionals have suggested I hug my child more and use a nicer tone of voice.

While any feedback can be true, it is not helpful. I am cautious about sharing my situation with others. So, I feel judged when I offer even a tiny amount of information, and the response is unhelpful advice. I feel like I can’t even begin to express the whole truth of my situation.

I shut down.

I wish people would allow me to talk about my experience and listen. I wish people would reserve judgment and advice until and unless I ask for feedback.

All children have the right to be loved and protected by adults. Some of my children did not have this protection or love. It impacted their development and changed their brains. They deserve love and protection as children, even when they are raging or unsafe.

I, too, deserve to be safe emotionally and physically in my home, and my other children deserve to be safe in their homes as well.

Are you parenting a child who is aggressive? Share about it in the comments below.

Resources to Help Parents

Understanding Violent Behavior in Children

Autism & Aggression

RAD & Attachment Disorder Warning Signs

Click here for a free PDF printable checklist of the 7 steps to take when your child needs residential treatment.