Are you racking your brain on parenting strategies for Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD)? Do you know a child with ODD and you want more information? Here are ten parenting strategies that are proven to be effective.
Parenting a child with a defiance disorder is difficult and it will require you to implement new strategies. We are here to help provide a few suggestions.
How to Parent a Child with ODD
Having lived experience of parenting a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD) has taught me a lot. Here are the top 10 strategies that have worked when parenting a child with ODD.
1. Start with coregulation
Parenting a child who will not comply is infuriating. You will need to develops skills that help you get out of your feelings and into your problem solving brain. Try coregulation.
Coregulation is a process that allows both you and the child to calm down emotions. We never make our best parenting decisions from a place of anger.
When you feel like you have to give up or throw in the towel, you need to get to a calm state of mind. Your child needs this also.
Coregulation techniques can include using a warm tone of voice or providing a calm inflection to your words. There are many coregulation techniques to try in times of frustration and intense feelings.
2. Use a flat affect (poker face)
Are you someone who shows what you are thinking on your face? If so, you have to strengthen your poker face skills. Come to a situation of non-compliance with a flat affect. Expect that you will not be obeyed and only break character when you gain compliance.
Oppositional Defiance is more than not complying with adult requests. It is a persistent pattern of outright refusal to comply. This goes against the goal of every parent, which is to get our children to listen, and it will get a reaction. Go for the no reaction approach.
Misbehavior has to be separate from your feelings or affection. Lack of compliance is about control, and it isn’t about love or rejection. You can’t respond with your feelings – you have to use logic and conditioning strategies. Calm voice and calm face is the best way to approach the redirection.
We know it is hard, but we also know this will keep you from taking it personally if you can keep that straight face and calm tone.
3. Use “time out”
Time out is not a controversial strategy. Time out is a brief, mild, consequence that is used to address off track behavior.
When you are parenting a child with Oppositional Defiance, you have to utilize tools that you can live with and know that you are going to have to use often. Time out is a tool you can use time after time while also remaining non-emotional, giving yourself a break and giving a safe space to think.
No matter the age of the child, I would recommend a time out place. You don’t have to call it time out but you do need to have a place in your home that is safe for you and them to get space and calm down.
It should be fun free and distraction free. It can have some self affirmations or just have a beanbag. One strategy to make it a positive experience is a technique called Sitting Strong.
4. Don’t ask why
The first thing other adults may ask you is, “Why would they do that?” You may also be asking yourself, “Why won’t they do what I ask?”
Don’t ask why, because there is no answer. The wires for reasoning are crossed and trying to assign reasoning to oppositional behavior is impossible.
This is trying to assign a higher level of reasoning to behaviors that are done without reasoning, and it will only lead to frustration and heartache for everyone involved.
5. Let it go
You will have to let a lot of things go. You have to let go of what you thought life would be like and how things look to other parents.
You will have to let hard feelings go after the punishment is assigned. You will become an expert in letting go and starting with a fresh slate.
If you are angry or bitter, you will self destruct. There is no way to keep your sanity and keep a score card of wrongdoings. It won’t ever balance out and defiance will be the majority. Tracking those odds will just upset you, so let it go.
6. Have clear rules + link consequences to behavior
The world revolves around rules. Children learn at an early age that different people and places come with different rules. A child with a defiance disorder doesn’t understand the rules or feel compelled to follow them. This doesn’t mean the rules don’t matter. In fact, it means that rules are even more important to teach and maintain.
Make your family rules clear and concise. For example: “We use kind words” is a family rule. It isn’t wordy but it is important. All family members must follow the family rules.
The most effective learning opportunity occurs when you correct behavior outside of the family rule. For example, using unkind words means you are grounded from your phone. If you can not follow the family rule of “we use kind words,” then you can not engage in talking with others outside of the family on your phone.
The more you link the rules to your values, the values to your family, and the consequences back to the values, the better you are able to remain matter of fact while teaching and disciplining.
7. Use logical and natural consequences
When responding to non-compliant behavior, expand your options. Consider not only what consequences work, but also what you are teaching with the consequences you select. There are two types of consequences to use in responding to off track behavior, logical and natural.
Logical consequences are parental imposed punishment like being grounded, being sent to time out or taking away TV time.
Natural consequence are what happen when people don’t follow the rules. The parent doesn’t have to impose a natural consequence because they happen on their own. Examples of natural consequences are school suspension, bad grades, peer rejection, or poor relationships with teachers.
8. Only pick the fights you know you can win
That isn’t to say that you just let the child get away with anything. You have to constantly and consistently respond to the defiant behavior to make any progress in compliance.
Picking the fights you know you will win is understanding there will be a point in each conflict where you have to ensure you can continue in the conflict and also remain level headed.
If you see yourself losing composure or if you can’t see it out, you have to at least leave it at a you won intersection. Make a point, or take a break, but walk away at a place where you have taken the high road.
9. Use few words
When you are parenting your defiant child, you will want to explain yourself. Don’t.
You can answer questions or debate when the crisis is over. In the moment, you don’t have to answer questions or be wordy.
More words gives opportunities for arguments. Say no and only no. You don’t have to answer why.
Just no.
10. Don’t care what other people think
This is the hardest, yet probably most helpful, strategy.
There are many social norms wrapped up in how we see parenting. I find it most helpful to just ignore it. Everyone has an opinion, but no one is living it for you. Only what you can live with matters, not the opinions of others.
Expect that others won’t get it so what they think about how you are parenting doesn’t matter.
We know that parenting a child with ODD is not easy. It requires skills far beyond what typical parenting requires. With these methods, you can do your best to keep peace in your home and help your child grow to be a productive adult.
Do you parent a child with ODD? What strategies work for you? Share in the comments.
If parenting a child has become too unsafe or difficult, they might need residential treatment. Click here for the best residential treatment programs for ODD.
Click here for a free PDF printable checklist of the 7 steps to take when your child needs residential treatment.
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Best Residential Treatment for Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD)
Where are some places you can take your child to help with the ODD diagnosis. I live in Allentown Pennsylvania. I have a child that is so defiant that when I send her to her room to just for us to calm down. She refuses to go. She even follows me around doing her yelling/screaming for like two hours straight. I took her to the hospital but they won’t admit her because she shows no aggression or behaviors in there.
Same with my son. Even if I ask him to go to his room to calm down he not only refuses, but he hits me and throws things at me. It is always after any consequences that were discussed previously. And when we go to therapists or psychiatrists, they blame our parenting and don’t listen to our explanations of how much he refuses any consequences and how strongly he breaks the boundaries. I am so tired not only of chaos at home but of all the blaming, not believing that we truly are making everything that other families but it simply doesn’t work. By the way, all these strategies in this article don’t work either 🙁 He refuses to go to his room and hits us every time he gets any consequence for his behavior.
Many moons ago I lived in PA. Is your child in wrap around services? They used to offer in home behavioral supports. You would go through the community MH center. Not sure if that would be helpful or not.
Have you tried talking to your baby openly and honestly?
I’m a grandma this time around, my granddaughter has this disorder as well as ADHD… both have been genetically inherited from “yours truly”!
So I have a perspective view from both angles, as the parent and the child.
One of the hardest things from the child’s perspective is the knowledge of an adult’s falabiliity… all too often we attempt to make ourselves seem like we’ve got it all together to our children… This most definitely does not work with children with this disorder!!! It will make them worse.
It is far better to admit that no one is perfect and we all make mistakes! Don’t be afraid to say sorry when you do get things wrong…or lose your patience! It works wonders!
And don’t try and cover for those times when you do lose your patience! Tell them how you feel … what their behaviour is doing to you… how much you worry about their behaviour effecting their future.
Most of all tell them that you really want to understand the way their mind is working… Don’t ask them why they have done something in the heat of the moment… wait until everything has calmed down and then ask them what they were thinking at the time… not because you want to fix their thought patterns but because you love them and want to know who they are!!!
I was most defiant when I heard these statements:
“Because I said so!”
“Because that’s what the textbook says!”
“That’s just the way it is!”
response!
“Who are you and what makes you think that you know better?”
“Who wrote the damn textbook and why should I believe what they say?”
“Maybe it shouldn’t be the way it is… maybe we should try something new for a change!”
You might understand how my granddaughter feels about our relationship…. I’ve had care of her since she was 3 days old, she’ll be 10 later this year. And yes we have gone through a few traumas with her parents (my son is her father).
What my approach has done, hasn’t made it any easier for me… but it has given her the tools she needed to limit herself at school and when she’s with her parents…who just believe that I spoil her and let her do whatever she wants! That is until they decided to take her from me almost 18 months ago… there was nothing I could do about it either! She was the one who had to fight to come back, and she did it with style and courage!!!
This is what you’re directing in your child, how to question… within reason…. how to challenge… logically! How to think constructively about why they don’t agree with anything that they challenge!
Don’t try and fix the way they think… help them build the right boundaries within their thoughts!!!
And that begins with telling them how their behaviour is affecting you!!! Openly and honestly!
It’s not going to be easy for them until they reach a level of education where their opinions matter… so give them the room in your life where those opinions do matter… listen to them, even if they are wrong! Making sure that you get the same opportunity to express your opinion as well.
“Okay, you’ve had your chance to say what you think and feel… now it’s my turn!”
Don’t let that hand on the hip and the finger wagging in your face bother you one little bit… let them go for it! But do not…EVER… go easy on them when it’s your turn…. don’t try and soften the truth, tell them exactly how it is… you can’t do that with this disorder!!! We need truth, not moddle-coddling. Harsh unedited truth! If you don’t we’ll work it out and once we do we won’t trust you again!
Let me share a scenario from a time when my baby girl was struggling with her value… she kept asking me what I would do, or chose in different circumstances; This one dropped me to my knees!!!
I had just told her off for misbehaving in a store…we had buckled up in the car ready to go home..
“Nanna, if we were going to get our heads chopped off… and there was nothing you could do to stop it from happening…who would you choose to go first, me or you?”
She was 5 going on 20 at the time (she was about 5 years and 4 months old).
How on earth did I answer her… I knew what she wanted me to say… what she thought was the right answer under the circumstances she’d given me… but it was the wrong answer and I didn’t know if she was going to be able to understand why?!?
So I got out of the driver’s seat and climbed in next to her… taking her little face in my hands I said;
“I would choose you baby girl… even though it would break my heart into a million pieces… I would choose you!”
Her face turned into a mask of horror…
“I could never let you face that alone!”
And her face changed from a look of horror into one of awe!!
“And then you would hold my head in your arms while they chopped your head off too!”
“Yes baby girl, that’s exactly what I would do!”
She understood!!!
We understand!
Be the refuge in a world that doesn’t understand!
It will completely change the dynamics of your relationship with your baby!!!
Always remember…it is not your job to make your children perfect… that’s their responsibility…it is your responsibility to place their feet upon the right path for them to be able to do that!!!! We don’t own them or their future’s… what we do have is a responsibility to our society in raising adults who will make a difference in our world for the betterment of humanity.
It’s not all bad news having this disorder…it tends to lead to nonconformanism… which I’m incredibly grateful for! In a world that teaches us how to think, how to speak, how to dress, how to ACT, what to eat, drink, do!!!! We have somehow lost our ability to think for ourselves, to be the people that we were created to be! We are losing our individuality!!! But that’s highly unlikely to happen to your child!!;
Happy directing!