I watch my friend’s hands tremble slightly as she grips the heavy mug of her Starbucks low-fat mocha latte. Her wedding ring still shines after more than 30 years of marriage, though I know the years have tarnished it somewhat. I feel humbled by her trust as she shares her pain with me, our heads close together in the noisy coffee shop filled with the aroma of freshly brewed coffee and the chatter of patrons seeking solace in their caffeine fix.
A Troubled Relationship
She opens up about her troubled relationship with her adult son. They haven’t spoken in over a year, a silence that weighs heavily on her heart. She doesn’t even know where he is living now. The life choices he has made are far from what she envisioned for him while raising him, filled with dreams of success and happiness. Instead, their relationship is strained—a delicate thread stretched to its limit. Every day, she prays for him to make positive changes, hoping that he will find his way back to her.
I listen intently, nodding in understanding, and gently touch her hand, my heart grieving alongside hers. I remind her that she did her best as a mom, that no one could have loved him more fiercely or tried harder than she did. It’s what I can offer during our coffee time—an ear, compassion, and the knowledge that she is not alone in her struggles.
Facing Fears
Years ago, I sat with a therapist in a small community mental health office, discussing the future of one of my children. This child’s behavior was escalating, causing ripples of fear and uncertainty within our family. I was terrified of the possibilities we might face, imagining scenarios that made my heart race. Despite every treatment we had tried, life was not improving. Through tears, I asked the therapist, “What if I have to call the police for this child?” Her reply shocked me: “You might have to.”
Confronting Difficult Questions
I stuttered, still in disbelief, then asked, “But what if this child ends up in jail or makes decisions that lead to drugs… or worse? What if this child ends up dead or hurting someone else?” She replied, “That could happen too. How will you handle it if it does?” These are fears no parent wants to confront, let alone voice, for fear of making them more likely to come true. I expected the usual platitudes from the therapist—”It will be okay” or “This child will get better if you love enough.” Instead, she urged me to face the reality that things might get worse, and it was a sobering moment that shook me to my core.
At that moment, I was crying too much to respond verbally. My lips felt numb, and the Kleenex in my hands was shredded, a testament to my emotional turmoil. I understood her; we were confronting my worst fears as a parent, and it was painful but necessary.
Finding Courage
Will you have the courage to face your fears? Look fear in the eye and say, “I hate the thought of you, Fear! I will wipe my tears, leave these fears in this room today, and pray for the strength to love this child fiercely. I will not let my expectations of who I think this child should be blind me from loving who this child is.”I stood up, determined and free, feeling a flicker of hope igniting within me.
Galatians 5:1 says, “For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.” Where God’s love is, there is freedom, a liberating truth that resonates deeply in my soul.
I will not allow my expectations for who I think this child should be, blind me from loving who this child is. God give me the strength to love this child with Your love.
Letting Go of Expectations
Will you let go of your expectations for your child and embrace who they are? Consider this: Is part of what is hurting your relationship with your adult child the expectations you place on them? How would you fill in these blanks?
- I wish my adult child would ____________ (get a job, pay his bills, parent my grandkids this way, call me on my birthday), because then his/her life would be so much better.
- If only my adult child would _________________, we would have a better relationship.
I’m not saying your child doesn’t need to make changes. They might need to get off drugs, find a job, or improve their parenting skills. However, those issues are between them and God. Your job is simply to love your child, to be their unwavering supporter in the tempest of their life choices.
Reflecting on Personal Needs
If you are adding expectations onto that love, it may be to fulfill a need for yourself. Would you feel relieved if your child succeeds, thus validating your parenting? Are you worried about what others think when your grown child appears to be “messing up”? These are difficult questions, but they are essential for self-reflection.
Acknowledging the Pain
I see you, moms with tears and dads trying to look tough while hurting inside. I know this pain is real and profound. The more honest you can be with yourself, the better. Don’t shy away from this. I commend you for facing it, for being brave enough to delve into your feelings and examine your motivations.
You may or may not rebuild a healthy relationship with your child. Regardless, you can find peace amidst the chaos.
How to Find Peace When Your Children Disappoint You
1. Lay your fears and expectations at the cross.
Stop reading for a moment, close your eyes, and do it now. Give God every expectation you have for your child’s life, every dream you held tightly to. Admit your pride, ask for forgiveness, and thank God for the gift of your child. Appreciate every day you have with them, just as it is—messy, complicated, and beautifully unique. In the coming minutes, hours, and days, when you find yourself worrying or getting angry about your adult child, remember this moment when you placed those burdens at the cross. Return to this place of surrender and trust.
2. Your job is to love.
Love unconditionally and without specific expectations. Remember, loving is not fixing. Fixing someone else’s problems is not true love; it is often a misguided attempt to control outcomes. Let go of the need to control and embrace the power of love.
3. Pray selflessly.
Instead of praying, “Dear God, help my daughter parent better,” or “Jesus, help my son get a job,” turn those prayers around. Pray for God to help you love your child without expectations. Pray for appreciation for your child just as they are right now. Ask God to open your eyes to how He is working in your child’s life, even in ways you cannot see.
God is a miracle worker and the fixer of all that is broken. Perhaps the miracle He is working today is in you, reshaping your heart to reflect His love.
How do you pray when your children disappoint you? Do you find it difficult to let go of expectations for them?
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