Are you parenting a child who is aggressive or even violent? I’ve been there. As a mom to children with behavior issues, a foster mom, and a family advocate, I’ve parented this road and worked with many families who have aggressive children. Here are effective de-escalation strategies to use when your child is physically aggressive.

- When Your Home is a Battleground
- 10 De-escalation Strategies for Aggressive Kids
- 1. Remember that You are the Expert on Your Child
- 2. Seek Professional Guidance
- 3. Try a Collaborative Approach
- 4. Take Care of Yourself
- 5. Recognize the 5 Phases of Crisis Management
- 6. Consider Environmental Factors
- 7. Give Your Child Patience and Time
- 8. Listen Actively
- 9. Provide Behavior Support
- 10. Plan for Recovery Time
- Goals and Next Steps
When Your Home is a Battleground
I know it’s incredibly frustrating when it feels like your home is a battleground. You walk on eggshells, worried about when your child will explode next.
During my years of parenting an aggressive child, I was hit, slapped, punched, spit on, pushed, bitten, scratched, and had objects thrown at me.
Almost every wall of our house had holes punched in the drywall. Banisters were falling off walls. Doors were loose on their hinges. Furniture, toys, books, toys, and countless items were destroyed during the years that we parented our son.
I felt like a victim in my own home.
We called the police so often that the 911 operators told us we needed to stop calling. Police would arrive at the door and smirk at us. Our son looked so sweet and innocent. Surely we were not afraid of this sweet little guy? (Ha!)
Until you’ve lived it, you have no idea what it’s like, but I’ve lived it, and I know what you are going through.
What’s incredibly hard about the situation when your child is violent is that it’s not a “fair fight.” Your child can physically harm you, but you will be taken to jail if you physically harm them.
10 De-escalation Strategies for Aggressive Kids
Below, I’m sharing techniques that work – sometimes. I’m not saying all of these work all the time or for every child. You’re in a tough spot, and I won’t sugar-coat it.
But I also know you need practical tools that work because often these kids don’t qualify for the type of treatment they probably need, so lots of parents are stuck dealing with it at home the best ways we can manage.
1. Remember that You are the Expert on Your Child
As a parent, you know your child best. When it comes to children facing serious mental health issues, the journey can be challenging, and crisis moments can be particularly daunting.
A key strategy for calming strategies for kids is recognizing their triggers and warning signs. No one (no matter their expert title) knows those things for your child like you do. I bet you can spot the situations, events, and phrases that will send your kid off in a rage.
Your insights are invaluable in tailoring your approach to your child’s needs, so don’t doubt yourself.
2. Seek Professional Guidance
You are going to need help because the type of parenting you are doing is HARD. (I call this the “beyond the beyond” parenting. This is the tough stuff few people understand or even know exists.
Professional guidance can provide you with valuable tools and strategies specific to your child’s situation. Finding the right doctors, therapists, and mental health workers can be tough, but don’t give up. Check out our resources for parents for recommendations.
3. Try a Collaborative Approach
When your child rages, the temptation is to think they are doing it at you or toward you, but that’s not what’s happening. Your child needs help with emotional regulation, anger management, sensory processing, or trauma triggers.
Consider it a collaboration instead of a struggle between you and your child.
Say to yourself, “My child and I work together as a team to solve the problem.” This mindset shift can be transformative. Don’t go at each other. Instead, team up and look at the problem together.
4. Take Care of Yourself
De-escalation is not just about managing your child’s crisis; it’s also about taking care of yourself. Recognize your fears and how they might impact your child’s behavior. Sometimes, relinquishing control in the moment can lead to more significant control over the family situation in the long run.
Throughout your child’s escalation, ask yourself these questions:
- What am I feeling?
- What does my child feel, need, or want?
- How is the environment affecting my child?
- How do I best respond?
Recognize that every behavior is an attempt to meet a need. Identify your child’s needs, feelings, and wants during a crisis, and understand that these may evolve throughout the experience.
5. Recognize the 5 Phases of Crisis Management
De-escalation is a skill that requires practice, just like any other skill. It involves stepping out of the conflict cycle, using natural consequences instead of punishment, and sharing your calm brain with your child to co-regulate. Remember, it might get worse before it gets better, but each successfully calmed crisis is a step toward improvement.
Here are the 5 phases people go through when they are escalated:
- Pre-crisis (baseline) – This is your child’s normal. It might not be typical for other children, but this is their unique typical.
- Triggering Event – What sets them off? This might be situations like being told no, turning off the TV or video games, leaving an event, wearing clothes that are itchy, crowded spaces, or frustration with homework.
- Escalation Phase (going up the mountain) – This is your child’s anger, rage, and fear building.
- Outburst (peak of the mountain) – The rage.
- Recovery – The calm-down time after the outburst.
6. Consider Environmental Factors
Consider environmental factors that may contribute to crisis moments. Some ideas:
- Activities
- Overstimulation
- Physical environment – consider the five senses and think about light, sound, touch, smell, and taste
- Family or peer influences
- Transitions
While you can’t always change the environment, knowing what might be a trigger can be helpful to head off difficult behaviors before they start.
7. Give Your Child Patience and Time
Remember, you have more time than you think. Patience is key in crisis management. While the situation is serious and must be dealt with, reacting out of anger or fear will only worsen the situation. Give yourself the time to respond calmly.
8. Listen Actively
Listening is a powerful tool during a crisis. Actually listen to your child, validate their feelings, and provide empathy.
Children often act out what they cannot speak out about. Watch your tone and ask open-ended questions. Avoid using threats because they trigger the flight or fight response.
Once kids are triggered, each new trigger can escalate their behavior even more until you have a crisis.
When your child rages, it seems they are not making sense, but remember that all behavior is communication.
9. Provide Behavior Support
At the first sign of stress, provide support using prompts to positively guide your child’s behavior.
Use caring gestures, distract or redirect, and walk side-by-side with your child through tasks. Postpone consequences until after the crisis has passed and focus on collaborative solutions. Remember, humor, proximity, and directive statements can be effective tools.
Once your child is escalated, they are in fight-or-flight mode, which uses the more primitive parts of their brain. They are not using their higher-level thinking. In a sense, they are out of their minds.
To get re-regulated, you will do the thinking for the two of you.
This is called co-regulation, where your child is “borrowing” your logical, calm brain. Be firm, know your triggers, and practice deep breathing. Choose your words carefully, be alert but calm, and maintain a non-threatening, protective stance.
10. Plan for Recovery Time
The recovery phase is crucial for teaching new coping skills and improving behavior. However, the recovery phase tends to be skipped because we are often relieved, exhausted, or emotionally strung out from dealing with the crisis.
Yet this is a critical time to help the child learn from their mistakes, and it’s also important to restore the relationship and make amends for any damage caused during the rage.
Take care during this time because some kids are still somewhat triggered and not fully back to baseline yet. (This can take hours or even days.) If you move into the recovery phase too soon, you can re-trigger your child, and the process starts all over again.
During the recovery phase, include these steps.
- Allow the child to come to baseline.
- Clarify the events.
- Repair and restore the relationship.
- Teach new coping skills.
- Re-introduce to family life.
Engage your child in a private discussion, allowing them to share their point of view. Summarize their feelings, connect feelings to behavior, and offer additional clarifications. Discuss alternative behaviors and involve your child in brainstorming ways to behave differently in the future.
Goals and Next Steps
Remember, de-escalation is a skill that requires practice. You won’t always get this right. Sometimes, the recovery phase involves your child apologizing, and you apologize to your child. (It often does in our house.)
Your dedication and commitment to your child’s well-being are important work you are doing in the world. Thank you.
Are you parenting an aggressive child? In the comments, share what has been helpful for you.
Click here for a free PDF printable checklist of the 7 steps to take when your child needs residential treatment.
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